Excerpted from The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Mothers and Daughters by Rosanne Rosen
A belief system is composed of fundamental ideas that affect how an individual looks at and evaluates a set of
circumstances, experiences, or individuals. Indeed it colors the overall way in which one looks at and approaches the world around them.
If your old way of thinking hasn’t produced the most harmonious, loving feelings between mother and daughter that you can each summons, it is time to toss out that old belief system full of misconceptions, misunderstandings, and leftover ill feelings, and come up with a new one. However, the new belief system must be founded on pertinent, reliable facts that will affect positive change in your mother-daughter relationship. Here are 10 worthy points that should formulate for you a sound basis for a new and improved belief system:
- Any emotional stress caused by your mother-daughter relationship to either party, no matter how slight, is worth fixing!
- An older mother who is tired of mothering has the right to retire, but not withdraw, from the job.
- There is a difference between trying to understand a mother or daughter’s behavior and trying to sanction it.
- Confrontation does not have to be combative. It’s all in the way you handle it.
- It can be beneficial to discuss the issues that drive a wedge between mothers and daughters.
- In a healthy mother-daughter relationship, each adult takes responsibility for her own actions and for the relationship. There is no passing the buck.
- Mothers and daughters cannot solve each other’s problems. They can support, guide, and assist. However, each party owns her own problems.
- Intimacy is achieved through self-disclosure, love, and mutual dependency; it is not determined by dependency.
- Not all mothers or daughters have the capacity to change. In this instance, someone is going to have to do more than her share of accepting.
- Mothers and daughters are human beings who are fallible and make mistakes.
Egocentric individuals focus on themselves, their own interests, and how everything relates specifically
to them. Their focal point is so preoccupied with self that it may exclude anyone else’s interests, points
of view, or feelings.
Finding the Right Tools to Make Improvements and Repairs
The most basic tool in your chest is also one that is imperative to improving, reviewing, and resolving any mother-daughter issue. It is called objective thinking. Objective thinking must incorporate having a neutral mindset, stepping back, relying on the facts, and divorcing reason from emotion.
Objectivity promotes clarity. It encourages thinking that will benefit mother-daughter relationships, and will help those who are seeking repairs and improvements.
The opposite of objectivity is subjectivity. It does not benefit your pursuit of making improvements and repairs. An excessive subjective mindset indicates an egocentric individual or mom. Subjective thinking relies on personal emotions, preconceived notions, one point of view, personal interests, a lack of empathy, narrow vision, and egocentric observations.
If you are unable to leave subjectivity behind and to achieve objectivity on your own or discern fact from fiction, it may be time to make an appointment with someone who can be an impartial participant in the process.
Necessary Add-Ons to Your Normal Behavior
Before you can hope to improve your mother-daughter relationship, there are significant attitudes that need to be put into play on a regular and ongoing basis. Put a check mark by the ones you need to improve upon:
- Showing tolerance
- Being open as opposed to secretive
- Practicing humility
- Abandoning a defensive mindset
- Employing a giving mode
Excerpted from The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Mothers and Daughters © 2001 by Rosanne Rosen.