When the family member we are trying to care for is impossible to please, it’s often because of long-standing fa
mily dynamics. I’m not talking about someone in intolerable pain, or someone who has little control over their brain because of dementia or Alzheimer’s. In those cases, we often need to get the help of professionals, whether it’s hospice care for end-of-life pain or a memory unit for Alzheimer’s patients who may not be safe at home.
However, many caregivers on this forum talk about caring for parents who have abused them for a lifetime. Aging, and the problems that come with it, has only made this abuse more intense. No, your parents may not be able to hit you anymore, but that loss of physical control for them sometimes can make their tongues an even stronger weapon.
Yet, it’s natural for adult children to love their parents and even want to care for them as they age. If your parents abused you when you were a child, how do you care for them without harming yourself by being subjected to ongoing criticism and abuse?
Many counselors would suggest “detaching with love.” Detaching is a method of setting boundaries to protect yourself. It can also mean that you give up the notion that you can control their behavior, and you stop allowing them to control yours. It’s hard. It takes practice. But for many, detaching works.
One thing that can help is to realize that the little kid inside of us most likely still wants our parents’ approval. When we can’t get that, even as adult caregivers, it hurts. To cope with those needs, it often helps to learn the techniques of detachment.
People detach by learning to understand that they can’t control their parents (or spouse), so they stop trying. Sometimes, just this step makes a difference, as the person who has been pushing your buttons – making you angry because he or she knows your triggers – starts to see it doesn’t work. Detaching with love means that you affirm that you love the person, but will no longer tolerate being treated with meanness or disrespect.
You set boundaries and make them clear. If the parent continues to complain just to see your reaction or to manipulate you, criticize your every move and generally abuse you verbally, you tell them you will get someone else to take care of them until you both cool off.
This takes some planning, especially if the parent is truly in need of constant care. You may need to set up an in-home service for few hours a week, then see what you can do to call them on an as-needed basis. This can be tough, but if you call around you may find a service available.
