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January 11th, 2012A Glimpse into the Past
January 11th, 2012I had an interesting opportunity this past weekend to get a glimpse into my mother’s long-ago past. S
he has a friend, Beverly, who she hasn’t seen in many, many years. She is a friend who my mom met when she was 24 years old (and Beverly was 19) and had just moved to NYC from Cincinnati, OH. They met and quickly became friends and roommates.
Beverly was pursuing a career in the theater on Broadway while my mother had moved to New York for opportunity in the business world. This was a rare thing in those days (the 1940’s) for a woman especially. But my mom was unusual for her day, having gone to college and studied business (one of only a few women in her department). Then to make the decision to come East by herself was very daring. Even today she wonders what she was thinking!
So, she and Beverly were fast friends. I think Beverly was fun and exciting for my mom and my mom was an intellectual with many interests which intrigued Beverly. They were good compliments to each other.
Even once they both got married and had children, their friendship remained. I remember going to Beverly’s house up in Chappaqua many times when I was young. In fact, there is a house near where I live now that I drive by quite often that always reminds me of her house from back then. How funny the way some things stick in our minds.
Theirs was a “normal” friendship with its ups and downs. They went through a low period in their friendship at one point and stopped speaking for a time, but then the friendship won out and they picked up where they left off. But now, so many years later, age, time, distance, has kept them from seeing each other.
So, this past weekend, my mom and I made the trek up to Beverly’s home about 45 minutes away. I hadn’t seen her in probably 35 years, if not more, but when she opened up the door, I would have recognized her anywhere. Her hair was grayer and her frame more frail, but that was it.
Watching Beverly and my mom together was like looking back in time. They obviously knew each other well and reminisced about their shared past. Several times I would turn to my mom after Beverly said something about her and say “oh, you did that back then, too, huh?”
Watching two old friends come alive again in their youth helped to remind me that my mom had a life before she became my mother. She was once young and vibrant with the hope of the future in her eyes. She didn’t know where life would lead her or what challenges would be put in her way. She was just like me when I was that age … looking toward the future with excitement and naivety with friends there to join in the journey!
The Mixed-Up Emotions of Caregiving by Laurie
November 1st, 2011Dealing with one’s mother’s emotional and/or mental issues is very hard and draining. I find my feelings conflicted, glad to
be helping, resentful to have to be doing it, wanting the best for her but not wanting to have to give up my life to help her so much of the time. Sad, scared, lonely, loving, growing up.
I need to be able to recharge and repair myself and realize the toll it is taking on me even if I am doing it by choice. I’m not sure what I need exactly to feel better. I have a feeling of sadness, very profound sadness. I need to accept what is, is. The “Might-Have-Beens” and the “Want-Things-To-Be-Different” have no place.
I guess the sadness comes from the loss of my mother as my caretaker. I think that’s why I feel a sense of loneliness too. I don’t want it to be this way. I want her to still be taking care of me.
Recently, my mother said that she didn’t want to criticize me but that I needed a haircut and it actually felt good since it meant she was trying to take care of me. It’s funny, all these years I have been trying to get her to stop commenting on my hair and for the first time if felt good!
Also, this is the first time she added “I don’t mean to criticize.” Maybe she said that because I have been telling her that “I need her” or maybe because I am doing so much in taking care of her. Too bad it couldn’t happen sooner but I’m grateful it’s happening now. There are these small gifts of change and closeness along the way of this very difficult road and it helps.
I think as daughters we need to talk about the role of caregiver and the feelings and stresses that it causes. I was speaking to a girlfriend whose mother actually left her husband after 40+ years of marriage at the age of 78. The relationship wasn’t a good one so my girlfriend was thrilled, but now she has taken on the roles of life advisor, financial supporter and medical counselor for her mother and that’s a big change in their relationship. Also, it’s very time consuming. It was good for us to talk about our new roles as caregivers and how hard it is.
To all daughters who are acting as caretakers, I salute us. I think if we acknowledge how unbelievably hard it can be, that awareness can make it a little bit easier. We need to remember to take care of ourselves too. And to be gentle with ourselves and realize we are not alone after all.
Book Review: “Wedlocked” by Bonnie Trachtenberg
October 18th, 2011So summer may be over in the Northeast, but I just found a great “beach-read”… even for the winter! It’s a fun, light,
easy read, complete with a difficult mother/daughter relationship. What more could I ask for!
Wedlocked is a new novel by Bonnie Trachtenberg who was a senior writer and copy chief at Book-of-the-Month Club and has written seven children’s book adaptations. She has also written for several newspapers and penned countless magazine articles. This is her first novel.
The story opens on the wedding day of thirty-six year old Rebecca Ross. While it should be the happiest day of Rebecca’s life, unfortunately, it’s not. She quickly realizes that she may have made a huge mistake in choosing her groom. And, indeed, she has. The book is a fun romp through Rebecca’s life which has led her to this moment and then beyond. She’s written as a very real character…with very real flaws. At times I really felt sorry for her and at other times, I wanted to shake her. Just like a real friend! Her relationship with her mother is an interesting and definitely strained one which helps to contribute to some of the decisions that Rebecca makes. But you also see the love that exists between mother and daughter.
So if you’re in the mood for a fun and enjoyable read, pick up Wedlocked!
You Said What?
September 26th, 2011I used to be a teacher of 3rd grade girls at an all-girls school and sometimes parents woul
d ask me to talk to their daughters about something they had already tried to tell them. They would complain that their daughters just wouldn’t listen to them but maybe they would listen to me. And, often, that was the case. It seems that few kids actually want to listen to their parents who may harp on them again and again about the same thing. But the second someone else…a teacher, a friend, just someone else…suggests the same exact thing THEN they listen. Maybe it’s just human nature?
So now I’m finding that the same thing is starting to happen with my mother. This just emphasizes the role reversal that I had already been noticing as my mom has grown older. Now I find that when I suggest something to my mother, she seems to ignore me. I mention it again and it’s as if I haven’t even spoken. One more time and still there seems to be no recognition that I’ve actually said something of value.
And then…“Oh, I was talking to the Friedman’s the other day and you know what they told me? They have a phone that “speaks” the caller ID. That way I wouldn’t have to worry about not being able to read the caller ID on my phone. Isn’t that a great idea?”
“But, Mom, I’ve been telling you about that for months now. Don’t you remember? I said that you should get one like that.”
“YOU did??? Well, I don’t remember. But the Friedman’s, they said it’s a good idea to get one so I think I will.”
Ah, yes, I guess I now know just how my mom felt all those years!
Today is September 12, 2011
September 12th, 2011Today is September 12, 2011. Just one day past the 10-year anniversary of that horrific day that is seared 
into our brains and our hearts. Words just can’t explain the fear and horror of that day. Everyone has a story, or two or three or ten. I wasn’t in Manhattan that day, but I live nearby and all of us in the NYC suburbs were horribly affected too, even if we didn’t personally lose someone we loved. My sister works (still) in the World Financial Center just next door, connected to the WTC. My first thought when I heard the news was of my sister and where she was and if she was ok (she was). I spent the morning on a three-way phone conversation with my sister in NY and my other sister in Michigan as we watched the horror…two of us on TV and one of us out her window live.
Can it really have been 10 years ago? Can so much time really have passed? It still seems like it just happened yesterday. So, I watched and read all the stories again over this past week leading up to the day, and immersed myself in it all again yesterday. I do it to remind myself of the fragility of life I suppose and to put things into perspective. As traumatic as these events were, there was goodness and kindness as well…and strength of character, and resolve, and selflessness, and compassion. This is what I choose to focus on. And the healing; both of individuals and of our country.
So, what does all this have to do with the mother-daughter relationship you may ask? So many daughters lost mothers that day…even adult daughters. And mothers lost daughters. What if the last thing that was said between them was hurtful? What if they were in the middle of an all too familiar fight? What might they give now to take it all back and say “I love you” one last time? Not every relationship can be saved or healed, but remembering 9-11 can help put things into perspective. I know it helps me.
A Question of Self-Esteem
July 5th, 2011It seems to me that a lot of people have self-esteem or ego issues. There are some people who seem to think too highly of themselves and like to brag, name drop, and generally make sure you know how great and/or importan
t they are, but they actually usually have a low self-esteem, not a high one. People with high self-esteems don’t have to brag, drop names, etc. They are confident and just act that way…they don’t need to force it.
It seems that we get most of our sense of self-worth from our childhood. So, then, is it really mom’s fault??? That’s a good question. And what if mom doesn’t have a strong self-esteem herself? How does she help us to build one? It’s an interesting dilemma, because how does one teach what they don’t know?
I’ve always known myself to not have the strongest sense of self. I seem to care a bit too much what other people think and often look to others to see what they think before I can voice my own opinion. It’s something I struggle with.
This whole thing came up again when I was recently asked to judge a writing competition. I was excited at first but then began to worry if I was really qualified to do it (even though I was). But I forged ahead anyway.
I didn’t like what I had to read and didn’t feel that it deserved to win an award but then I struggled with what to do because I didn’t really trust myself. I knew there was another judge and I wondered what they thought about it, because somehow in my mind what they thought was “right.” But I wouldn’t ever know what the other judge thought…I had to figure out what “I” thought.
Over the years I have learned to judge certain feelings I have on my “gut.” I’ve lived in many apartments over the years and was finally able to learn to trust my gut as to whether an apartment seemed like one I could live in or not. This took me many years and looking at hundreds of apartments to finally figure out. Can I manage to do the same in other areas of my life?
I tried this strategy in judging this competition. Was it so wrong to go with my gut on this one too? If I told myself that I had no choice and was forced to come to a decision and voice my opinion, I really did know how I felt. Aren’t my feelings and opinions enough? They certainly should be. And this is what I need to convince myself. It’s not really my mom’s issue anymore…it’s mine. And, really, I’m the only one who can make my own feelings and opinions count!
Practice Makes “Perfect?”
May 18th, 2011
Working on changing a less than perfect mother-daughter relationship sure isn’t easy. After all, you’re dealing with another human being here and your history together is long and winding. I, myself, have found that there’s a lot of progress, then back-sliding, then some progress again. I spend a lot of time talking to myself, too, reminding myself of some of the strategies that have worked for me in the past, or that I vowed to try again in the future.
So, the other night I had a chance to put one of these strategies I had in the back of my memory to work once again. I had had a stressful day, lots going on, hormones raging, whatever. During my daily phone call with my mom, I found myself getting irritable, short and impatient. I snapped at her numerous times. She wasn’t really doing anything wrong, other than maybe just being herself…she certainly wasn’t purposely trying to antagonize me or anything. But I just felt myself getting more and more annoyed with her, feeling like she wasn’t listening to me, or was telling me what to do. Other times, she might have snapped back at me and a full blown argument would ensue, but, for some reason, that didn’t happen this time. She just hung in there and didn’t retaliate. We finally ended the call.
But then I felt badly…ok, maybe even a little guilty. I tried to let it go, but then I started to think about all those tips we put on the website…I tried to see my mother as a person with her own challenges and feelings; I tried to think of the good things about our relationship; I realized that our time left together is short; that life is short; that some small things just don’t matter, but the big things do, etc., etc.
And I picked up the phone and called her back. “I felt that I was irritable and impatient with you on the phone earlier…I’m not sure why…and I just wanted to apologize.” I think that was just about the greatest gift I could have given my mom. She was so appreciative that I had called back and said that. And I felt so good about acknowledging my errant behavior and making amends. Hmmm…this wasn’t so hard after all. Maybe practice really does make “perfect”…or at least better.
A Little Bit of Happiness…?
April 22nd, 2011Life just isn’t easy, is it? We struggle with so much. And all we really want is just to be happy and content in our lives. Now that my role with my mother has changed since my dad died a few years ago and she’s getting older
, I wonder more and more about what responsibility I have for her happiness. Do I have any really? I feel like I do.
Laurie and I have discussed this at length, as she has many of the same feelings I have. It seems like no one should have the responsibility to make another person happy…doesn’t it have to come from within? What responsibility do we have for our mothers then and their happiness?
My mom doesn’t have an over-abundance of close friends. She never has. And, unfortunately, her closest friends live far away. She’s never been a huge social butterfly to begin with, and doesn’t mind spending time alone, but sometimes I feel guilty when I tell her about things I’m doing over the weekend, for instance, or when I feel like I’m not spending enough time with her. But she could do more things socially if she wanted to. Someone even mentioned to me recently that maybe she likes hearing about my weekends because she can live vicariously through me. I can see that as a possibility, but that’s just not how it feels to me.
I worry because I’m afraid for myself…afraid that I’ll be all alone when I’m elderly. I don’t want my mom to be alone, but how much can I devote myself to her on a daily basis? It’s a hard thing to struggle with. I just want her to be happy, but how can I accomplish that? Is that even my role? And can it even be done? Should it?
I struggle, I worry, I feel guilty and overwhelmed. Doesn’t everyone deserve a little happiness? And if I can help my mom find some now and again, isn’t that a good thing? As I said, life just isn’t easy, is it?
The Case for Narcissism
February 14th, 2011I had a very interesting conversation the other day about narcissism with a good friend of mine. I never really even thought about narcissism before launching this website (I certainly never knew how to spell it before Motherrr.com was born!), but it’s actually become one of the most searched for and visited sections on the whole site. There seems to be a real need by daughters dealing with narcissistic mothers for help and yet there’s very little out there.
My friend made the comment that she wanted to be more “narcissistic.” That really took me by surprise. How could she want to be a narcissist? Everything I have read about it says it’s a very negative thing. Other people don’t like narcissists…they’re self-centered, hurt other people, cause their daughters (and sons and husbands, etc.) great distress. Who would want to be a narcissist?
Ah, but it depends on your viewpoint and definition of narcissism I guess. Hey, face it, to some degree or another, we’re all narcissists. We only walk in our own shoes and see things from our own vantage point. Most people seem to think that the way they do things or see things is the “right” way. After all, I only buy Bumble Bee Tuna, Skippy Peanut Butter and Hellman’s Mayonnaise because that’s what my family always bought. To me it’s a sign of closeness and intimacy to share a meal together because that seemed to be one of the ways that my parents bonded, and, yet, to my boyfriend, it’s “right” to want to have your own meal and not share with anyone.
It does seem that when it comes to being narcissistic, there is a continuum. Many people, while seeing things through their own eyes, can take someone else’s feelings into account and/or can “see” things from the other person’s point of view. That aids in understanding, compromising and just getting along. When you can sympathize with someone else and even empathize, you are on the road to connecting with another human being. This is what most people strive for.
Further down the narcissism road are those people who can’t do that. Who can’t put themselves into another’s shoes; who can’t see things from another’s perspective; who don’t even want to. It’s all about them and them alone. Everyone should care about their feelings, their wants, their needs. But what’s the difference, then, between being self-centered and narcissistic? What’s just being selfish and what’s true narcissism?
To my friend growing up, her family stressed the opposite of narcissism…selflessness. She was taught to always care more about other people’s feelings than her own. That’s the other end of the spectrum and not much healthier. To her thinking about yourself was narcissistic…it was just as negative. She couldn’t really see how it was ok to think about herself without it being “selfish.”
I tried to explain to her the difference as I saw it. First I used the example of being aggressive vs. assertive. Being that I used to work in sales I was very well versed in the difference. Everyone knows what an “aggressive” salesperson is like…the typical used-car salesman type (I apologize to anyone who is a used car salesman out there and isn’t this way). They are notoriously aggressive and this has a negative connotation. I, on the other hand, saw myself as an “assertive” salesperson. I was persistent and determined but not pushy. I built relationships with my potential customers and listened to their needs. This was the only kind of salesperson I could possibly be and it worked well for me.
Then we went onto the example of being conceited or arrogant versus being self-confident. Again, being conceited or arrogant is a negative. Who likes to be around someone who acts this way? Often they make themselves feel better by knocking someone else down. Kind of like a bully. On the other hand, som
eone who is self-confident doesn’t need to knock anyone else…they know they are good, but you can be too. You can be great together!
This is how I see narcissism…it’s the negative end of the spectrum. So, what’s the positive end? I think that’s self-care. You don’t have to be selfish or narcissistic to take care of yourself. You can think of yourself first but not discount other people. You can look out for your own needs without negating anyone else’s. Not only is that ok, but it’s actually even healthy.
My friend’s working on this now…not being a narcissist, but, rather, being her own best friend and cheerleader. Taking care of herself first. And there’s nothing wrong with that…in fact, there’s everything right with it!